- Do bad things keep happening to you?
- Are you surrounded by incompetent people?
- Are you suffering because other people can’t get themselves sorted?
- Do you feel like a victim of your own life?
Let’s talk about blame. We all do it sometimes, some more than others, yet we all generally know that it is not good for us. Why does it matter and what can we do about it?
- It isn’t our fault, so we don’t have to do anything about it or to fix it
- We get to be the victim in the story, and sometimes get sympathy from others
- It makes us feel better in the short-term, because we get to avoid any uncomfortable feelings that come up for us about how we responded to the situation or even in general because we are focusing our energy on what is going on with other people instead of on ourselves
The Bad side of Blame
We don’t take committed action ourselves towards consistently changing our situation because we believe we shouldn’t have to fix it, it’s not fair!
2. We feel weaker, because we are actually directing our energy towards being upset at the other people or situation- which is literally pushing it AWAY from us.
- The healthier alternative is acknowledging what the situation brings up in us, and problem solving appropriately to be able to move forward in as healthy a way as possible given the circumstances.
Blame is a position of victim-hood (of life happening TO YOU) and of denying responsibility.
The truth is that even when things happen that are out of our control, we are responsible for HOW WE RESPOND and this is ignored when we blame people.
Blame to Acceptance and Responsibility
HOT TIP! Watch out for Emotional Math: when we know someone didn’t mean to hurt us intentionally or that they did the best they could, we take away our permission to even acknowledge that it had a negative impact on us, like admitting it was hurtful somehow takes away from the positive feelings we have towards them. The result is that the energy from those emotions end up stuck in us instead.
- We acknowledge the specific situation that had a negative impact (or positive, but people struggle less with that)
- We acknowledge the EMOTIONAL and other impacts it had on us
- we have to reflect on the emotional component because that is how we convey TO OURSELVES that we are SEEN, HEARD and MATTER, so without it we just keep spinning our wheels
- Next we focus on ACCEPTING the situation (which is different from liking it or condoning it) and FOCUSING ON WHAT IS HEALTHIEST THING FOR ME TO DO given the circumstances
- And since good intentions only get us so far, then we take action towards what is healthy for us
Let’s look at an example,
- Acceptance and Responsibility: WHEN they betrayed my trust, THEN I was/am of course devastated AND now I am figuring out what is the healthiest response for me given the situation
- Blaming might sound like this- “They made me go back to drinking!”
If so, how is that working for you?
You may want to get curious and try the WHEN-THEN-AND approach.
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See you next week!